‘The Fear’

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Today’s tutorial focused on our own individual practice, and how we orchestrate the concepts therein to others. We began the tutorial by discussing the importance of an artist statement, and how it is almost required in order for an artist to showcase their practice in a clear, concise way. We then began a series of interviews amongst ourselves, and wrote the statements for one another. Through my interview, what I said was instinctive; I did not have time to ponder it, and this led me to say things that I had not really thought about before; the weight of my artwork, as well as the ‘fear’ that infects it. My practice is often plagued by fear; it seeps into the very pores of work, intruding upon it, infecting the very matter that each piece is crafted from. The Fear of Death is intrinsic to the work, it even fuels it’s creation; as I attempt to understand these fears through the creation of a piece of artwork. The fear of nothingness, explored throughout my field module, in which I could not wrap my head around the nothingness of a black hole; an all consuming hole, a void, and as I could not understand it, my feeble human brain unfit with the capability to, began to become afraid of it. I was very close to a breakdown recently when thinking about the vast void of a black hole, and the fact that there is one in the centre of every galaxy, including our own milky way. This fear punctuated the work, it bred it within it’s vile womb. My project before Christmas, focused on the ever continuing theme of the fear of death; revitalising and repackaging it in a religious conduit, focusing on failure and the immortality seemingly granted from worship. If one fears something, then one either fights, or flees, it is pure human instinct; but what if one attempts to go around it? somehow cheat the very thing that is feared? Immortality, and eternal life, cheat the ultimate power that is death, seemingly allowing one to avoid this that creates the fear of god within a person. I am afraid, and I feel I cannot escape it; this current project, with the tumours, focuses on the reality of my situation; death is coming, whether I like it or not, and one of the possible ends of my life will come from these small lumps of concentrated cell growth. A tumour, as mentioned prior, is a ball of energy; a cellular mass that is prompted into growth when a certain toxin is discovered in the body by it’s own nervous system. A great number of my family have died from these cellular lumps, and the havoc the disease associated with them wreaks upon their bodies. I feel, like it is an inevitability that I will get this disease, and the end of my days will be filled with it. The sense of dread I feel when thinking about death, does not seem to be apparent when I work on pieces relating to strengthening my understanding of such concepts, and my resolve with them. Lung cancer has destroyed people within my family, and my own lungs are so weak, I feel like it will be the end for me too.

I am afraid to die; and this is why I make art.

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